What is love? Love is where you picture yourself in a corn field. Imagine, if you were told to find the biggest corn by just taking one route, without turning back. Of course you would keep on moving forward as you're afraid that there would be bigger corns in front. Bottom line is, you will never stop searching for a better person to accompany you for the rest of your live.

And yes. Love is bitter sweet as sometimes, things didn't go on as planned. After all, who are we to amend what's written by god. Today, i have made up my mind to follow what my heart has been telling me. For all my faults towards you, i really hope that you have placed those behind you. For the past years, you kept saying that you went to pick the correct corn in that corn field but little did you know that you've overlooked the whole corn field. 

And of course i admit that this was my mistake. I'm sorry that my promises were all empty and how i always came up with stupid lies. But again, by admitting my mistakes doesn't make you an angel yourself. Nope, the word retaliate doesn't exist in my dictionary. Just take a little time of your day and ask yourself why. I admire how you loved me too much to the point whereby you always gave me the benefit of doubt... I admire how... No, i should stop admiring. 

I... don't care what you're going to tell your friends or whoever about me but just don't forget to tell them what you did too. I don't wish to see you again. I'm sorry, goodbye.

I am not confused. I just hate it when i have to listen to someone knowing that i am correct. I hate it when i have to be treated likka kid given my age. I hate when you push all the blame on me. I hate it when i tried so hard to mould you into a better person yet you shoved me away. I admit, my boys are always there for me and i need to gain back that trust i from you. Yes, i am not being fair. I mean, any guy would have left knowing that i always hang out with boys but do i have a choice? Hello, i am in engineering, not nursing. I even sacrificed my time just for you at times. So now, why cant you just appreciate me for once? You know, sometimes.. i always have this in mind. As much as i love us, i keep asking myself this. Am i happy?

Shut that ego and zip that guts.

Perfect. I wished that word never exist. Basically because no one in this world is. I used to want a partner who is perfect and complete religiously, financially and academically. But look at me now. I'm far away from becoming a pious lady. Sometimes, i just don't understand why do i have and put high expectations on someone and hurt myself. I don't even understand myself, my feelings.. Maybe i was young to think that all of this would turn out good. Little did i know, as we grow older, we tend to think out of the box. Right now, i feel that having this strings attached makes me feel the guilt whenever i'm with someone else. Actually, i don't understand my exact point by posting this entry but at least i get to let out this uneasy feeling that irks the shit out of me.

I've never thought that the situation would turn out this way. I cannot and i do not want to blame anyone else but myself. Now that i am stuck in this situation, so confused, i better find my way out even if i have to hurt anyone or even myself. Just why i have to be like this.

It was only because of a slightest little mistake and then all of it had to end. It wasnt that easy knowing that you were happily dancing in yr shoes despite my situation. Remember how ppl used to tease us? Remember how you wld save every single penny just to buy me chocolates? And dyou know whats on my mind? You. You walking passed me while i was having my parade practice and with my friends teasing me when you passed by.. Haha, i returned them a blur face though because you and i.. We didnt wanna make it obvious. Hahaha best moment of my life. Well, i thought it was the best moment of my life until i knew the meaning of bullshit; which is you. Okay just kidding! Puppy love, i must say. Hmmm whats life without puppy love? Haha. Nevertheless, i thank you for everything. If it wasnt for you, i wouldnt be this strong, this outgoing, this friendly. Its true that you're long gone but its not wrong to laugh back at this stupidest memory rigggght hahaha. I blame this band songs that ive downloaded recently for reminding me so much of the past. Eeee kentalnya!

Every girl likes to reread their old msges from their exes or anyone and go "awwww this guy is too sweet.." blablabla. Replying to chats and getting close with a certain guy and then after awhile getting awkward and stuff and it ended there.. That's what girls do, right? Honestly, thats bullshit. Well, at least to me, it is. No. Actually, it WAS. So, here's my story. I thought i wldnt get hooked. I thought. It all started 3 years ago and i just couldnt delete all our past conversations when i have actually deleted everyone else's. Am i now the bullshit cos i now dont have the heart to let you go?

My sleep was not tenteram. I woke up thinking about it. Idk why i am deeply affected when this has got nothing to do with me. Ya Allah.

I think i am just cranky or what.. But seriously, everyone has their own limits. Haissssssss. :(

Happy ever after still exists cos i am still holding you like this. And all those fairytales are not full of shits. More of the love songs cos i'm not sick. Happy 23rd monthsary minus 4 days. Hahaha. :B

Emotional.

Yes, i have been blogging too much lately. Can't help it cos i'm desperately in need of a space where i can let it all out. Tried to talk things out but somehow it just didn't work. It kinda irked me. I can't even handle my PMS. I got angry over stupid things and i think too much. So here is the thing. How wld you feel if you know that you are not in a wrong and then suddenly people kinda eliminate you from their list? Not trying to play the insinuating game here but i feel... Urgh. I don't know how to describe it. Sad? Offended? Sigh. I tried to let things be and see where it might lead me to but i... I'm afraid. Because i feel as if i am the bad person.

Then comes another problem. Friendship. I admit, i am not at all close with girls in NYP exp Yeyok. And all this while I've been spending my breaks and loner time with a guy friend. It really saddens me when he fails to differentiate which is right and which is wrong. I am boy-ish, yes, and if you know me, I easily forgive and forget. But i cant be the one giving in all the time. I was deeply hurt by your words a few days ago and then it got me thinking. Do you appreciate my existence? I don't feel the need in elaborating because even if i do, no one will ever listen to me. Not even you.

They say girls are sensitive. Am i not a girl?

So yes. Story of my life.